Long and New Sorrow

Tomorrow is the 6th time our family is forced to decide what to do on Sarah’s birthday without her, in the middle of our 6th Christmas season without her.

Thankfully, her birthday and this Christmas season are not the cutting of new wounds in our hearts, but more like the pressing of a still tender scar. The passage of time has allowed the experience of these days to shift from the excruciating pain of new sorrow to a throbbing of the deep ache of long sorrow.

The fresh wounds of new sorrow now come less frequently, but more unexpectedly. Not as much on specific dates, in predictable moments, or moments of willingly allowing ourselves to think on and mourn all we miss with her.

These days the sharp edge of new sorrow most often slices unexpectedly, camouflaged within everyday life.

I rarely allow myself to willfully ponder what Sarah would be doing were she here. But as her peers reach and share new milestones the sharp pains of missed experiences are unavoidable. I rejoice with them in each new accomplishment and announcement, but simultaneously my heart is pierced by the new sorrow of her absence in those specific moments.

Sarah was seventeen years old when she died. She didn’t turn eighteen, she will never be physically present in our earthly lives again, she won’t sit, eat and laugh at the table with us, celebrate holidays with us, graduate high school, attend college, graduate from college, be in her sisters’ weddings, date, get engaged, get married, celebrate the arrival of nieces and nephews and be known by them, or have children of her own. Since she died I have been unavoidably, acutely aware of each of these fully incomprehensible and unforgettable losses, as well as many others.

As a result, one of the largest surprises of grief for me has been experiencing the sharpness of the new sorrow that these long recognized losses still possess. Each time I am confronted by the reality that if Sarah was here she would likely be experiencing at that moment some specific new milestone, I am shocked by the weight and painful newness of the sorrow that the realization delivers.

It seems impossible that a well known loss can arrive years later as fresh hurt and new sorrow, and yet it does. As her friends graduated from high school in 2018, almost a year after she died, we grieved her absence as new sorrow. In 2019, 2020 and 2021 as her sisters got engaged and married, in the midst of the rejoicing there was the sharp pain of new sorrow.

This year Sarah’s friends graduated from college and are getting engaged and married, and her precious first nephew was born. All moments of great rejoicing accompanied by painful gashes of new sorrow.

I’m thankful Sarah’s birthday and Christmas are no longer new sorrows, but instead part of our long sorrow. I intimately know the sorrow these days hold, so they no longer hold the sharp pain of new experiences and daunting unknowns. Instead they are a throbbing of the now well known deep aching of long sorrow.

The bitterness of the pain of missing her sweet presence in our family on these days is ever present, but also familiar and known enough to allow room to more fully experience the sweetness of memories with her, and the hopefulness of our future together.

God has been ever-faithful as He has so graciously carried, sustained and strengthened us over the past five and half years without our child. We are deeply grateful that, though the long sorrow remains, each year seems to possess fewer sharp edges of new sorrow. We are also thankful that through God’s proven faithfulness we have confidence that each sharp new sorrow yet to emerge will invariably be met with His never-failing new mercies, tender compassion, and empowering grace, that have faithfully met every new sorrow already experienced.

If you are journeying behind us on the painful path of child loss, I pray it will encourage your heart to know the long sorrow is a gentler aching than the piercing pain of new sorrow. And if you, like me, have been surprised by the sharpness of the new sorrow that continues to emerge with long anticipated occasions, I hope you will find encouragement in knowing you are not alone.

And together we can find encouragement in knowing that even though new sorrows will continue to emerge until we are reunited with our children, they, too, will gradually merge into our long sorrow and no longer bear the sharp sting of newness they once held.

But may we always find our greatest encouragement and Hope through faith in Jesus Christ. Reminding ourselves that in just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delayFor the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord... And He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will have passed away...

Therefore comfort one another with these words.

He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming quickly.”
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.


Hebrews 10:37; 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18; Revelation 21:4; 22:20-21

16 thoughts on “Long and New Sorrow

  1. Very well stated.You always have the right words to say to encourage and do such a good job.God is truely useing you for a special purpose.Thank you for everything you do.

  2. I wish I could put my words to paper as well as you do. Thank you for sharing and for writing my heart along with yours! Prayers for you and your family this week. We are on year 2 without Elizabeth and her cousin that is her age and she was closest to just got married Saturday. It was definitely bittersweet.

    1. So bittersweet, but I’m so thankful we can experience joy in the midst of the sorrow. Praying for you all as you move through this 2nd Christmas in Elizabeth’s absence, and enthusiastically looking toward reunion day with y’all! 💙

  3. I have kept up with you and your grief journey since learning of your daughter’s death in the bus accident. Our son Sloan, along with 2 others died in the Texas Panhandle in a raging wildfire, a few months before your Sarah.
    I have much appreciated your posts… Even though the circumstances and ages of losing our children are different, we are about at the same time period of grief. Yes, and everyone is different in how they handle and cope with their grief but your post that I just finished reading really resonates. We will be at 7 years out on March 6. Sloan‘s birthday, the sixth one without him here on earth was September 8 of ‘22. I too try not to dwell on how it would be if he were here, but when it happens, the sharp pains of grief are there. He was married with two small children, and a baby on the way, so you can imagine the thoughts I have.
    This morning, the devotional that I read in “Streams in the Desert” says “… it is always encouraging to have those ahead of us ‘call back’ and cheerfully summon us to higher ground.”
    That is what you have done in this post for myself, even though I’m in the same boat as you, and for many others. Thank you so much!

    1. Teresa, I am so sorry we are in the same boat, but thank you so much for your encouraging words. I love the quote you shared from Streams in the Desert, it is so true, always such a sweet blessing to me to hear the encouragement of those ahead of us. Praying for you now as you continue to miss Sloan this Christmas season, and expectantly wait to see him again.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. We lost our nephew at age 21, and your posts have helped me understand my sister’s journey, as she tends to be a private person. I am so grateful that he was a believer, and that we will also see him one day soon. But yes, we can relate as a family. He was the first grandchild, nephew and cousin, and he was a great joy to all of us. And as his extended family, we have those moments as well, even after 15 years. Not a sharp pain, but a longing for his presence. Such is life in this broken world. Praise God for the hope we have of better days yet to come. Blessings to you and your family.

    1. Lisa, I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. Thank you so much for the encouragement that my sharing has been helpful in some way. Praying for you, your sister and the rest of your family as you expectantly wait to see him again. ❤

  5. we r close to the same time frame as u all. jadyn left us the beginning of her sr. year of HS in 2017. i can relate to sooo much of what u wrote. its not so much of a sharp pain but a dull ache. i hope/pray we get to see our girls sooner than later! hugs💜

    1. Amen! That’s why I love Hebrews 10:37 so much- “in just a little while…” we’ll see them! I have it on a sign in our living room as a constant reminder. I know we can persevere for “just a little while” longer! Can’t wait to meet your Jadyn! 💙💙

  6. We are walking thru our second year without our daughter. She was 13 when she passed away on Mar 5 2021 from a DIPG brain tumor. Our only daughter and also our youngest child. So many hopes and dreams gone..Thank you for those encouraging words! It’s a long difficult journey but with God we will make it..but it’s special to hear from others who know the journey.

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