When Sarah died, the desperation of the agonizing pain of loss drove me to the feet of Jesus. As each new aspect of the sorrow of her absence crashed down upon me, the shocks repeatedly drove me to Him and His Word. It was survival, not effort. I was acutely aware that in every sense, He was my “Breath of Life”—apart from Him, I could not breathe.
I found comfort and eventually joy in how near to Him the sorrow had brought me, and I imagined for the remainder of my days I would continually experience the same intensity of urgency, fervency, and “feeling” His nearness.
As the years have passed, the innumerable sharp aspects of Sarah’s absence have become intimately and fully known. As the surprise and shock of their newness have faded into familiarity, sadly, my urgency and desperation for Him have faded as well.
My struggle with waywardness continually brings to mind the painful truth of the hymn lyric, “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.” The pounding shocks of the waves of sorrow once drove me to His feet. But now, in the aftermath of the raging storm, unseen currents of calmer waters continually draw me toward complacency and apathy.
With all my heart I have sought You; Do not let me wander from Your commandments. Psalm 119:10 NASB95
I miss His unique nearness of those devastating days. My perception of His palpable nearness faded in unison with the fading of the sharpness of my sorrow. I initially thought it was a failing on my part, that I was simply not seeking Him fervently enough. While that is certainly a factor, I believe the greater cause is His promised nearness to the brokenhearted.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NASB95
In tenderness and compassion, He draws near to us in our brokenheartedness. As we take refuge in Him, He soothes our hurts and binds our wounds. Though He is not far from any of us, He is indeed uniquely near to the brokenhearted. If we turn to Him, our shattering ushers us into sacred intimacy with Him; a nearness reserved specifically for the brokenhearted. Knowing this, with great confidence and rejoicing, we can say, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt. 5:4).
My shattered heart is not fully healed yet, that will happen on that glorious day yet to come, but it is fully bound by Him. As He met me through His Word, addressing each painful new aspect of my sorrow, He was faithfully binding my wounds for the remainder of the journey. Having sheltered me under His wings and nourished me back to health, He once again set me on the path, calling me to finish the race before me.
Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but [only] one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then [do it] to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NASB95
My fervency and urgency to draw near to my Savior, seemingly effortlessly driven by desperation in the midst of my brokenness, now requires the spurring of discipline and effort. I’m grieved that this heart of mine can and does so easily wander from my precious Savior who poured out His life for mine, and carried me through my darkest days. But I praise Him that, in His mercy and grace, He continually draws me back again and again.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:10-12
Sarah’s Journal
Come, thou Fount of every blessing;
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above;
praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
mount of God’s unchanging love!
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I’m come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let that grace now, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart; O take and seal it;
seal it for thy courts above.
Listening to Him 