“Sarah Day”

Today is Sarah’s birthday, our eighth without her. “Eight.” Such an inadequate number to describe the span of my painfully missing and longing for my child. “Forever” seems a much more accurate description of the agonizing length of time since I last held her, saw the gleam in her eyes, and delighted in hearing her quirky sense of humor and contagious laughter.

As I look back, the stinging sorrow of Sarah’s absence is mercifully and graciously intertwined with an overwhelming awareness of God’s unwavering faithfulness to us these past seven and a half years.

Seven years ago our family was wearily walking through all the excruciating firsts that follow the catastrophic loss of a precious loved one. We were only just beginning to understand some of the countless ways Sarah’s death impacted us individually and collectively as a family. I vividly recall the gripping fear and uncertainty Scott and I felt as we sought to parent our remaining children through their grief in the midst of our own consuming grief.

I am a mother who has experienced the death of her precious daughter. From the beginning I have been acutely aware that I am not a sister who has experienced the loss of her beloved sister; I can not fully know or understand my remaining daughters’ grief from their perspective. That awareness, combined with the daunting task of navigating my own grief, often threatened to overwhelm me, particularly in the first year or two of grief. But God was and is so very faithful.

Countless voices claim to know what we should and should not do to “properly grieve” and parent our remaining children through grief. But there is only One who intimately knows and understands us and our children. He sees and knows each of our hearts, and He alone knows what is best for each of us. It is He who promises to faithfully lead us every step of this life’s journey, even through the darkest valleys. And He is always, always faithful to His promises.

“Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.”
Psalm 143:8 NASB95

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.”
Psalm 32:8 NASB95

Soon after Sarah’s death, I adopted a new mantra, “Just do the next right thing.” Right things being determined by God’s Word and His Spirit’s leading. I didn’t know how I would survive Sarah’s death, and I certainly didn’t know how to guide my children through their grief, but I knew God did, and I trusted He would guide us moment by moment and step by step if we sought Him. Sometimes His leading aligned with what the other voices were saying, and other times He led us in a completely different direction.

That first birthday without Sarah, the “right thing” for our family was a quiet dinner at a restaurant Sarah liked. Scott and I ordered Dr. Pepper to drink in honor of Sarah. Though we all knew why we were there that night, there was no other demonstrable remembrance or significant conversation about Sarah. Scott and I would have loved an evening of recounting treasured memories and hearing unheard tales of sibling adventures and antics, but that was not the right thing for our remaining girls at that time.

In retrospect, I understand our children needed space and time in those early days, weeks, months, and years to learn and understand their own grief and to see us do the same. We needed time to understand who we were as a family in Sarah’s absence and for those revised relationships to feel safe and secure for each person. As we have each continued to seek the Lord’s guidance in discerning “the next right thing,” He has ever so faithfully led and knit our family together in precious unity.

Sarah’s birthdays have gradually evolved, each year becoming more overtly about remembering her and looking forward to being with her again. This year, we reached a climax with us starting a new tradition for her birthday that we are lovingly referring to as “Sarah Day.”

Sarah Day will be commemorated each year by doing things Sarah loved most: spending time together as a family, sharing a meal, and decorating cookies. Each year, Scott and I will give Sarah’s nieces and nephews a unique gift reminiscent of her. Though we grieve deeply that they will not have the opportunity to know her here, we are so grateful they can know her in part through her sisters and us. And far more than that, we tearfully rejoice that they and we can eagerly look forward to eternity with her through Christ Jesus.

If you are journeying this painful path of child loss behind us, I am praying for you now that God will strengthen you to trust Him to lead you one step at a time. It’s so very dark, and you can’t see the path before you, though you desperately want to, but the darkness is not dark to Him, and He will guide you every step of the way if you will allow Him to.

“Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike [to You.]”
Psalm 139:10-12 NASB95

We have an adversary who has come to steal, kill, and destroy. He’s not content with just “killing” our children, he wants to destroy our families. That awareness makes me tentative about acknowledging and celebrating the precious unity our family presently enjoys and treasures. I recognize it can be easily lost.

But He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world, and I owe Him praise for His faithfulness. I also long to encourage you that He can and will lead you through the oppressively dark shadowed valley of death. He desires, even more than we do, for our families to emerge from this dark valley unified and thriving in Him. So let’s cling to Him together, spurring one another on in confident affirmation that He has been, is, and forever will be—faithful.

“Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. [They] are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. [It is] good that he waits silently For the salvation of the LORD.”
Lamentations 3:19-26 NASB95